This years love had better last
Heaven knows its high time
And Ive been waiting on my own too long
But when you hold me like you do
It feels so right
I start to forget
How my heart gets torn
When that hurt gets thrown
Feeling like you cant go on
Turning circles when time again
It cuts like a knife oh yeah
If you love me got to know for sure
Cos it takes something more this time
Than sweet sweet lies
Before I open up my arms and fall
Losing all control
Every dream inside my soul
And when you kiss me
On that midnight street
Sweep me off my feet
Singing aint this life so sweet
This years love had better last
This years love had better last
So whose to worry
If our hearts get torn
When that hurt gets thrown
Dont you know this life goes on
And wont you kiss me
On that midnight street
Sweep me off my feet
Singing aint this life so sweet
This years love had better last
This years love had better last
This years love had better last
This years love had better last
By: David Gray ~ This Year's Love
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
Inside.
I had a rough night last nigh. On top of just never being able to sleep... I'm sick of everything.
I get like this I know it... when one thing comes falling down the so called beer goggles of life come off and I am unhappy with everything. My work, my life, me.
I have trouble getting my boyfriend to have sex with me. It's almost like he's to shy most of the time. I feel like I am always the one getting it going. He doesn't make a sound, he doesn't seem to get into it, he won't 'play', all the things I want. Over the Christmas brake our one big not so good moment was because I shower come out there and 'showed' him my new underwear and went back into the bedroom... like come and get me. He doesn't come, so I finish getting ready and then he comes and wants to know why I'm dressed. So I tell him to undress me... 'I love when you undress me... rip my pants off' He wouldn't. Why wouldn't you do it? Why wouldn't you do it when you girlfriend is sitting there telling you this is what gets me going I love it when you do this, why wouldn't you do it? Even if it's not that great for you why wouldn't you pleasure her with such a easy task? So he said what ever and didn't want me. Nice.
Last night he showers and lays on the bed next to me watching TV... so I play with him for a little while and then ask him what else he wants me to do, what he likes... and he ignored me. Isn't that like... woo hoo when your girlfriend asks you what you want her to do now? I get so frustrated! Doesn't he even want me? So later in the night I get him going I get myself going and he knows it and tell him 'I just want you to want to have sex with me, I want to you pull me onto you or something' of course he couldn't do it. He can't and won't tell me why he doesn't care about how I feel and what I want. He can't and won't tell me why he doesn't want to tell me what he wants. I'm so freaking frustrated!!! So then I start thinking 'its me, what's wrong with me, I'm not attractive, now he's going to look at other woman on the Internet that are better than me in ever way and fill up that way when that should be done with me, what's wrong with me, he doesn't love me, what am I doing here, this is never going to work' and so on. What is the deal? I can't do this. He told me last night in the mist of our anger at each other that you can't ask for what you want 'you can't ask' Why the hell not? That's how you have good sex. I'm not a mind reader, your certainly not a mind reader... why the hell not???
I asked him once to tell me what he likes in bed... he said he didn't know, that he's never had to think about it. What? How do you not know what you like in bed, what feels good, what turns you on. Are you kidding me? So he turned it around on me, 'well what do you like in bed' and of course I told him... I don't think he hear a word of it. I asked him last night if he gets uncomfortable when I ask him what he wants next he laughed and said 'not honey'. Then what the hell is the problem?!
So now today I'm hurting, I feel like I should just end it and give up even though I love him. I guess I wouldn't have such a problem with not having sex if I felt like he loved me most days. Sometimes I feel like someone who is this good to me can't not love me... other day's I feel like I'm just some to taxi him around when he wants to drink and to clean up after him. Nice. I feel like we've made so much progress. He's asked for a hug twice from me. We had a talk about why he can't love anyone. But this ... this I am baffled and deeply hurt by.
I get like this I know it... when one thing comes falling down the so called beer goggles of life come off and I am unhappy with everything. My work, my life, me.
I have trouble getting my boyfriend to have sex with me. It's almost like he's to shy most of the time. I feel like I am always the one getting it going. He doesn't make a sound, he doesn't seem to get into it, he won't 'play', all the things I want. Over the Christmas brake our one big not so good moment was because I shower come out there and 'showed' him my new underwear and went back into the bedroom... like come and get me. He doesn't come, so I finish getting ready and then he comes and wants to know why I'm dressed. So I tell him to undress me... 'I love when you undress me... rip my pants off' He wouldn't. Why wouldn't you do it? Why wouldn't you do it when you girlfriend is sitting there telling you this is what gets me going I love it when you do this, why wouldn't you do it? Even if it's not that great for you why wouldn't you pleasure her with such a easy task? So he said what ever and didn't want me. Nice.
Last night he showers and lays on the bed next to me watching TV... so I play with him for a little while and then ask him what else he wants me to do, what he likes... and he ignored me. Isn't that like... woo hoo when your girlfriend asks you what you want her to do now? I get so frustrated! Doesn't he even want me? So later in the night I get him going I get myself going and he knows it and tell him 'I just want you to want to have sex with me, I want to you pull me onto you or something' of course he couldn't do it. He can't and won't tell me why he doesn't care about how I feel and what I want. He can't and won't tell me why he doesn't want to tell me what he wants. I'm so freaking frustrated!!! So then I start thinking 'its me, what's wrong with me, I'm not attractive, now he's going to look at other woman on the Internet that are better than me in ever way and fill up that way when that should be done with me, what's wrong with me, he doesn't love me, what am I doing here, this is never going to work' and so on. What is the deal? I can't do this. He told me last night in the mist of our anger at each other that you can't ask for what you want 'you can't ask' Why the hell not? That's how you have good sex. I'm not a mind reader, your certainly not a mind reader... why the hell not???
I asked him once to tell me what he likes in bed... he said he didn't know, that he's never had to think about it. What? How do you not know what you like in bed, what feels good, what turns you on. Are you kidding me? So he turned it around on me, 'well what do you like in bed' and of course I told him... I don't think he hear a word of it. I asked him last night if he gets uncomfortable when I ask him what he wants next he laughed and said 'not honey'. Then what the hell is the problem?!
So now today I'm hurting, I feel like I should just end it and give up even though I love him. I guess I wouldn't have such a problem with not having sex if I felt like he loved me most days. Sometimes I feel like someone who is this good to me can't not love me... other day's I feel like I'm just some to taxi him around when he wants to drink and to clean up after him. Nice. I feel like we've made so much progress. He's asked for a hug twice from me. We had a talk about why he can't love anyone. But this ... this I am baffled and deeply hurt by.
Monday, January 7, 2008
A simple quote.
"The joy in life is not in hearing the words I love you but, in being lucky enough to say I love you."
Friday, January 4, 2008
The Christmas Holiday.
Back from the holiday, back to bloody work. It's not that work is that bad, I get away with a lot where I am... but I'm just so freaking board!
I had off for a week + for the holidays and slept so good. But wouldn't you know it on the eve before going back to work I didn't sleep a wink, or the next day or last night. What does that say about my feelings towards work? Need I say more?
Getting back to my holiday, this year it went really well. WOO-HOO! Normally I feel like I'm being pulled in 25 different directions. I get so stressed out that I'd rather just go away somewhere for the holiday and then come back when it's all over. I enjoy being with my boy friends family, their all really out going never sitting always mingling, my family on the other hand... I love them but they are boring. We sit on the sofa twirling our thumbs in our laps. It's just not a good time. Normally I wouldn't mind so much, I would find something to do, but when I'm sitting there wondering what to do I know it's got to be so much worse for my boyfriend who isn't at his childhood home and that just makes me more uncomfortable. Then in the previous years our family's schedules always clashed and if you were me where would you decide to go? So I end up in the middle of hurting my mom's feelings and making it seem like my boyfriend is the one that really wants to go to his family's. With all this said I am happy to say one more time, with a since of calmness rushing within me, that this year it all worked out! His family did their thing on Christmas Eve, my family did theirs on Christmas day. Simple enough and yet so calming when I look back. I actually got to enjoy the holiday, I wish I would have been more in the spirit... but you can't have your cake and eat it too, and I'm okay with that.
I hope you all had a nice holiday too.
I had off for a week + for the holidays and slept so good. But wouldn't you know it on the eve before going back to work I didn't sleep a wink, or the next day or last night. What does that say about my feelings towards work? Need I say more?
Getting back to my holiday, this year it went really well. WOO-HOO! Normally I feel like I'm being pulled in 25 different directions. I get so stressed out that I'd rather just go away somewhere for the holiday and then come back when it's all over. I enjoy being with my boy friends family, their all really out going never sitting always mingling, my family on the other hand... I love them but they are boring. We sit on the sofa twirling our thumbs in our laps. It's just not a good time. Normally I wouldn't mind so much, I would find something to do, but when I'm sitting there wondering what to do I know it's got to be so much worse for my boyfriend who isn't at his childhood home and that just makes me more uncomfortable. Then in the previous years our family's schedules always clashed and if you were me where would you decide to go? So I end up in the middle of hurting my mom's feelings and making it seem like my boyfriend is the one that really wants to go to his family's. With all this said I am happy to say one more time, with a since of calmness rushing within me, that this year it all worked out! His family did their thing on Christmas Eve, my family did theirs on Christmas day. Simple enough and yet so calming when I look back. I actually got to enjoy the holiday, I wish I would have been more in the spirit... but you can't have your cake and eat it too, and I'm okay with that.
I hope you all had a nice holiday too.
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
I am.
I am the perfect day
That dark storm clouds hang over
The rain pushing at the seams
to let go and cry
A nice comfortable breeze
Which lets you know your real
Happy and sad
Colliding
Heavy hearted
But relieved
Warm on the inside
Yet cold on the outside
A butterfly
Hiding in her cocoon
A rainbow
With no pot of gold
The excited wind
That can't decied where to go.
A little boy who runs from his mother
but cries when he's lost
The restless rain
With no sound
A soul
Who has no mate
A beautiful song
Filled with pain
I am everything
And nothing at all.
That dark storm clouds hang over
The rain pushing at the seams
to let go and cry
A nice comfortable breeze
Which lets you know your real
Happy and sad
Colliding
Heavy hearted
But relieved
Warm on the inside
Yet cold on the outside
A butterfly
Hiding in her cocoon
A rainbow
With no pot of gold
The excited wind
That can't decied where to go.
A little boy who runs from his mother
but cries when he's lost
The restless rain
With no sound
A soul
Who has no mate
A beautiful song
Filled with pain
I am everything
And nothing at all.
Thursday, November 15, 2007
Dave
I was watching Dave Matthews Band last night on storytellers, God I love Dave. Such an amazing music man, band. I love how when you watch him you feel the song... he doesn't just sing to you he helps, shows you how to feel the song. It's amazing. Just like John Mayer... when you watch John you feel the music.
To be a music man for a living, that's got to be the all time best job. To sing and feel, fulfill your soul everyday and fulfill others just by sharing your soul has got to be the all time high.
I love music, I think I have finally figured out if I had to choose between loosing my eyes or ears... I would have to loose my eyes. Without music I think I would die.
To be a music man for a living, that's got to be the all time best job. To sing and feel, fulfill your soul everyday and fulfill others just by sharing your soul has got to be the all time high.
I love music, I think I have finally figured out if I had to choose between loosing my eyes or ears... I would have to loose my eyes. Without music I think I would die.
Monday, August 20, 2007
I just don't know.
This weekend was a bit... rough to say the least. My boy friend was suppose to go to a bachelor party this weekend and was to be leaving early morning on Saturday. Instead we were woken with terrible horrible news. His best friends little sister died in a house fire.
How do you react to that? I just don't know. How do you comfort someone having to go though with that? It was and is going to be rough this past weekend and this week.
I met her once, so pretty and outgoing ... her whole life a head of her. Over the past few days, feeling like a spectator more than help, I've just been a witness to her life being unfolded in front of me, hearing about this amazing life, amazing person and how it was cut short. Part of me can't even comprehend.
I just want to send thoughts and prayers out to the family's that are suffering these losses. Know that you are not alone. I'm so sorry.
How do you react to that? I just don't know. How do you comfort someone having to go though with that? It was and is going to be rough this past weekend and this week.
I met her once, so pretty and outgoing ... her whole life a head of her. Over the past few days, feeling like a spectator more than help, I've just been a witness to her life being unfolded in front of me, hearing about this amazing life, amazing person and how it was cut short. Part of me can't even comprehend.
I just want to send thoughts and prayers out to the family's that are suffering these losses. Know that you are not alone. I'm so sorry.
Saturday, August 18, 2007
Saturated.
I’m saturated with stress, dripping.
When I’m consumed with stress I start doubting. Doubting me, my life… everything.
I've been listening to David Gray lately. So here for your reading pleasure... My oh my.
What on earth is going on in my heart
Has it turned as cold as stone
Seems these days I don't feel anything
Less it cuts me right down to the bone
What on earth is going on in my heart
My oh my you know it just don't stop
It's in my mind I wanna tear it up
I've tried to fight it tried to turn it off
But it's not enough
It takes a lotta love
It takes a lotta love my friend
To keep your heart from freezing
To push on till the end
My oh my
What on earth is going on in my head
You know I used to be so sure
You know I used to be so definite
Thought I knew what love was for
I look around these days and I'm not so sure
My oh my you know it just don't stop
It's in my mind I wanna tear it up
I've tried to fight it tried to turn it off
But it's not enough
It takes a lotta love
It takes a lotta love my friend
To keep your heart from freezing
To push on till the end
My oh my you know I just can't win
I burn it down it comes right back again
What kinda world is this we're living in
where you never win
It takes a lotta love
It takes a lotta love these days
To keep your heart from freezing
To keep your spirit free
My oh my you know it just don't stop
It's in my mind I wanna tear it up
I've tried to fight it tried to turn it off
But it's not enough
It takes a lotta love
It takes a lotta love my friend
To keep your heart from freezing
To push on till the end
My oh my it just don't stop
My oh my it just don't stop
My oh my it just don't stop
When I’m consumed with stress I start doubting. Doubting me, my life… everything.
I've been listening to David Gray lately. So here for your reading pleasure... My oh my.
What on earth is going on in my heart
Has it turned as cold as stone
Seems these days I don't feel anything
Less it cuts me right down to the bone
What on earth is going on in my heart
My oh my you know it just don't stop
It's in my mind I wanna tear it up
I've tried to fight it tried to turn it off
But it's not enough
It takes a lotta love
It takes a lotta love my friend
To keep your heart from freezing
To push on till the end
My oh my
What on earth is going on in my head
You know I used to be so sure
You know I used to be so definite
Thought I knew what love was for
I look around these days and I'm not so sure
My oh my you know it just don't stop
It's in my mind I wanna tear it up
I've tried to fight it tried to turn it off
But it's not enough
It takes a lotta love
It takes a lotta love my friend
To keep your heart from freezing
To push on till the end
My oh my you know I just can't win
I burn it down it comes right back again
What kinda world is this we're living in
where you never win
It takes a lotta love
It takes a lotta love these days
To keep your heart from freezing
To keep your spirit free
My oh my you know it just don't stop
It's in my mind I wanna tear it up
I've tried to fight it tried to turn it off
But it's not enough
It takes a lotta love
It takes a lotta love my friend
To keep your heart from freezing
To push on till the end
My oh my it just don't stop
My oh my it just don't stop
My oh my it just don't stop
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