Inside.

I had a rough night last nigh. On top of just never being able to sleep... I'm sick of everything.

I get like this I know it... when one thing comes falling down the so called beer goggles of life come off and I am unhappy with everything. My work, my life, me.

I have trouble getting my boyfriend to have sex with me. It's almost like he's to shy most of the time. I feel like I am always the one getting it going. He doesn't make a sound, he doesn't seem to get into it, he won't 'play', all the things I want. Over the Christmas brake our one big not so good moment was because I shower come out there and 'showed' him my new underwear and went back into the bedroom... like come and get me. He doesn't come, so I finish getting ready and then he comes and wants to know why I'm dressed. So I tell him to undress me... 'I love when you undress me... rip my pants off' He wouldn't. Why wouldn't you do it? Why wouldn't you do it when you girlfriend is sitting there telling you this is what gets me going I love it when you do this, why wouldn't you do it? Even if it's not that great for you why wouldn't you pleasure her with such a easy task? So he said what ever and didn't want me. Nice.

Last night he showers and lays on the bed next to me watching TV... so I play with him for a little while and then ask him what else he wants me to do, what he likes... and he ignored me. Isn't that like... woo hoo when your girlfriend asks you what you want her to do now? I get so frustrated! Doesn't he even want me? So later in the night I get him going I get myself going and he knows it and tell him 'I just want you to want to have sex with me, I want to you pull me onto you or something' of course he couldn't do it. He can't and won't tell me why he doesn't care about how I feel and what I want. He can't and won't tell me why he doesn't want to tell me what he wants. I'm so freaking frustrated!!! So then I start thinking 'its me, what's wrong with me, I'm not attractive, now he's going to look at other woman on the Internet that are better than me in ever way and fill up that way when that should be done with me, what's wrong with me, he doesn't love me, what am I doing here, this is never going to work' and so on. What is the deal? I can't do this. He told me last night in the mist of our anger at each other that you can't ask for what you want 'you can't ask' Why the hell not? That's how you have good sex. I'm not a mind reader, your certainly not a mind reader... why the hell not???

I asked him once to tell me what he likes in bed... he said he didn't know, that he's never had to think about it. What? How do you not know what you like in bed, what feels good, what turns you on. Are you kidding me? So he turned it around on me, 'well what do you like in bed' and of course I told him... I don't think he hear a word of it. I asked him last night if he gets uncomfortable when I ask him what he wants next he laughed and said 'not honey'. Then what the hell is the problem?!

So now today I'm hurting, I feel like I should just end it and give up even though I love him. I guess I wouldn't have such a problem with not having sex if I felt like he loved me most days. Sometimes I feel like someone who is this good to me can't not love me... other day's I feel like I'm just some to taxi him around when he wants to drink and to clean up after him. Nice. I feel like we've made so much progress. He's asked for a hug twice from me. We had a talk about why he can't love anyone. But this ... this I am baffled and deeply hurt by.